I'll update this thing.

This semester i'm taking:

Human Sexuality
Government 1
Contemporary Mathematics
Physical Geology Honors

Its an interesting semester, but a little frustrating. I won't bore anyone on the details, just that i have to adjust to homework, lectures, different teachers, etc.

My hair is shaggy.

Date:	2007-05-18 23:25
Subject:	Past journal entries from another journal
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	The Kovenant - Stillborn Universe

Posted: Sat May 05, 2007 10:39 pm Post subject:

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Rolling over keys that dig my side
Try to get my ass out of bed and drive, and drive

Feel I'm slipping day by day
Past the time I was on my way
Happiness and black both known, much learned
Long and hard the way a path of twisted turns

Disciple sift through lies, few grains of truth behold
Explorer specter rise, the dream that brought you low

Sentenced served, you're free to be
Siddhartha, like him he lived both sides
A brand new day, I'm looking for a change to come around.
Siddhartha on my mind

Beggar pick up your crown

Seeking all the things untried
Disarray, this thing called life
Happiness and black both known, much learned
Long and hard the way a path of twisted turns

Disciple sift through lies, few grains of truth behold
Explorer specter rise, the dream that brought you low

Sentenced served, you're free to be
Siddhartha, like him he lived both sides

Another day, I'm looking for a change to come around
Siddhartha on my mind

Beggar pick up your crown

I just love this song. Love it.

Went to work and got sent home before even saying hi. I think i had the Nyquil still working in me, because everything seemed wierd.

Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 11:18 pm Post subject:

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Okay, so its not Strep Throat, but its still pharangytis (sp?) and an ear infection. Great. Antibiotics, ho!

Still haven't studied for Abnormal Psychology, but something is pulling me away from doing my Persuasive speech! I hate it, i know if i don't get it done, i know there will be magically enough time for me to do my speech, and i will have nothing. If i get it done, i'll know i at least put some effort in it and get a better grade. I think i can live with a C average in that class, i barely go to the Psychology club meetings anyway, maybe next year i'll be a little more active, and have better grades to make the Psi Chi club. Here's to All A's next semester (I'll be happy if i pull off B's this semester, oh lawd). I don't want my GPA going down, i like my measly 3.0.

Put it this way, i'm doing better in college than my parents did. My mom dropped out the first semester, and my dad after about 40-60 hours. I'll probably be at around 50-60 hours by this time next year, and i'm definately not dropping out anytime soon. Its slow working, but it works for me. I'll definately start taking more classes than i have been taking, once i get my core classes out of the way.


9 hours till finals...

Mon May 14, 2007 12:51 am Post subject:

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post-finals depression-destress rant:

Well, i didn't have to do my speech, and i didn't study for Abnormal Psychology, so i probably got a sucky grade for my final.

I'm having nightmares of having to start all over, and i just can't wait until the grades are posted. GRAAH.

I don't allow myself to enjoy life. When i mope in front of the computer i feel guilty about looking at movies, blogs, webcomics because there is always something better to do, i need to get off my fat ass, etc.

The sun is out in full again, and i've been itching to go out and tan, but i don't. Enjoying life takes effort. I could easily take a walk around the lake after work and feel better about myself (enjoying nature and getting exercise at the same time) but i don't because that would go against my apparent need to suffer.

And i always blame my parents for everything. I'm inherently lazy because i know i will never do what chores needed to be done right, so i never do them. I don't do anything to enjoy myself because i get interrogated by it, because apparently the world is so scary that even at 22 i shouldn't be doing anything by myself, yet i have to suffer the "I was indepentent at a young age, i always did things myself and that makes me better than you" lecture. I don't get any recognition for anything i do, unless its wrong, and anything i do is so wrong that only idiots would make that so wrong if they only had a wrong-o-matic machine.

I could be going to sleep right now, but i had to type out my stupid moping so i can mull over it for a few hours and not get any sleep and cry about it.

Posted: Tue May 15, 2007 12:18 am Post subject:

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Collette wrote:
Don't let fear rule over you, babe. Don't hide behind your computer screen, or your parents. Take a risk! It seems like when you actually get out and do stuff you come in here happy and rejoicing over having a good time...don't let that feeling escape you! *hugs*


I know what you mean, but depression makes me a lazy bastard. I feel bad because i haven't called for an appointment yet for the counselor, and i didn't check online to see if my grades are posted yet (the site closes after 7 T_T), and i didn't go walk today, although it cooled off nicely today and it would have been nice to walk around the lake.

I played with my cat outside for a few minutes, though, he loves chasing after branches from the mutant mulberry tree we are trying to kill (Its rotten inside, and we cut it all the way to the trunk, damage the trunk all to hell and it still sprouts out branches wtf).

Money is really tight for summer, but i want to give my mom something nice for her birthday before i leave for vacation. I'm thinking of maybe buying another tree for the backyard (A hardy one that has deep roots so it wont need watering).

But i don't know if i'll have that kind of money. I have some stupid hospital bills because my insurance sucks, and i'll probably generate more hospital bills. I don't know what they are going to do about my cyst in my ovary, and i know i need to get back on some medication for my other problems, namely bc pills and insulin pills.

I'm thinking that maybe i need to get a full time position. It just seems that everything is starting to fall apart and by this time next year i'll need to be completely independent, whether i'm ready for it or not. I would have been independent a long time ago if it weren't for school. I most likely won't be able to handle a full time job and school as well. That makes me want to start thinking about loans, but i don't want to take out loans for school until i'm on my masters program, but i think it will be inevitable that I will have to do something about living on my own pretty soon. I don't think i could stand dormitories.

I'm trying to do everything to make my life better for me. I have hopes for a professional degree, to get out of this town and to live a non-miserable life. But reality is pulling me back, and i'm thinking it might start getting really bad if i keep persisting. It might stop pulling me back and start trying to grind me to the ground.

Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 12:45 am Post subject:

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I took a short walk around the lake, probably not a whole mile, because i thought it was going to get dark before i got back to the car, but i figured i can walk for a good hour before the sun goes down. an hour and a half if i'm really stretching it. So i think i'm going to make that my routine. I can probably walk all the way from where i park to the spillway and back before it gets dark, i'll see what happens friday.

I got attacked by mosquitos though, i should invest in some bug spray and leave it in the car.

I'm definately PMS-ing. Its wierd how i can tell the difference between a major depressive episode from PMS sometimes. It seems obvious, but for someone who doesn't have real periods, its hard. With PMS, I get depressed, but i bounce back with small bursts on energy, and i want to clean everything and all that womany shit. Depression i have for looooooooooooong periods of time, and there is no bounce to anything. I slump and sleep for 14 hours at a time and won't do anything.

I figured: I had pharangytis, finals, i gained a few pounds, i'm spotting, i'm moody and near tears every once in a while, but i'm actually able to do stuff i want to do. I have to be in a good mind though. Optimism is definately not a symptom of depression.

Marilyn Manson in Dallas August 28th! I might be able to go, but the tickets are waaaaaaay expensive. A ticket in the pit costs almost $400! So if i go, i'll probably be so far away from the stage.

Posted: Thu May 17, 2007 12:22 pm Post subject:

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According to my audit, i made all A's this semester! and a 3.57 GPA.

Fri May 18, 2007 10:54 pm Post subject:

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I took another short walk because it was rainy, and work gave the workers a foldy beach chair, which is shnazzy. If i don't like it, or if i'm too heavy for it, i figure i can give it to my sister, since she's the one near the beach and needs foldy chairs.

I wish i can bring the dogs to walk with me around the lake, but it costs too much in gas to come back after work, get them, drive back, and walk. Plus, my grandmom's car is too small for them and they would muddy up the car. But it would be nice to give them some exercise, and it gives me protection just in case.

When i get to the point that i move out, i'm totally going to move near the lake.

When the hell did 3.14 per gallon ever become cheap? Gods. I remember there being close to a riot when gas was close to 1.80 a gallon.

Date:	2007-04-20 13:57
Subject:	Apparently i never update.
Security:	Public
Mood:	complacent
Music:	Down - Lies, i don't know what they say, but...

Yeah, i don't. Haha.



Anyway, this has been a fun and frustrating semester, i had to take Speech class because my financial aid say it would pay only if i had over 5 hours of class.

I love Abnormal Psychology, so much fun in that class. But the paper is going to kill me. I only have a week left and i'm not even halfway done on it.

Work is really good, it doesn't stress me out, I just wish there was a part time Mental Health worker job, i'd really would like to have some experience in mental health before i start looking for professional jobs after i get my BA. I'll probably work out a situation where i can work full time and go to school by next summer.

I'm going to take Intermed Algebra this summer, and then see my sister before classes start for fall. Then i'll take Human sexuality, Government 1, Contemporary mathematics (and hopefully HOPEFULLY Anatomy and Physiology). jumping from 8 hours to fucking 13 is going to be insane.

I'm going to try to go out on the weekends more, the last time i've been to Odds was last year! : O

My birthday was okay, nothing really exciting ( i had to work that day, how embarrasing, i got happy birthday songed about 3 times before the end of the night). AND MY SISTER NEEDS TO MAIL MY PRESENT. lol.

Been listening to Jerry Cantrell, i got Degredation trip a couple of months ago, and i seriously loved every song.

Um... Its been a while, i guess. I forgot my password and i don't use livejournal much anyway.

I got Bs in my classes last semester, and things are pretty hectic this semester, the only reason i'm on this because i'm too lazy to go to sleep and i probably won't sleep anyway becuase of the stupid time change thing.

I'm taking Abnormal Phychology, Weight Training and Speech this semester, i HATE speech, there's a speech due Monday.

Wonder What's Next	This Type Of Thinking Could Do Us In	Steal This Album	System of a Down	Recoil
Queens of the Stone Age - Rated R	In Absentia	Lateralus	10,000 Days	Antichrist Superstar
Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death)	Mechanical Animals (Explicit Cover)

powered by frazy.com

CONCERT ANALYSIS:

Motherfucking. Awesome.

There was this little stupid band called outcast or something that started it off, and he was all emo and shit and we didn't like it, but there were a bunch of fucking emo kids out there so it wasn't like they were booed out of the stadium.

Breaking Benjamin was pretty good, but my hearing was already starting to go wonky the time "So Cold" started to play, but there was a Looooooooooooooooooooong wait between BB and Godsmack so my hearing started to come back by the time they started.

Fucking awesome. They even had a huge big screen and fire and exposives. The first thing that started were army tanks and f-15's dropping bombs then this helicopter started to fire then the fireworks exploded, aweome. They actually played Voodoo, but i don't remember them playing Serenity, but what they did play made up for it. By the end of I Stand Alone, people were throwing their beer and i got soaked, and i got to see tits before Godsmack started. There was a drum contest/duo deal that was off the hook, so to say. Finally saw Jamie while looking at the merchandise table (Didn't buy anything, couldn't withdraw money out of the ATM) and he didn't believe me when i told him i was in the pit. I'll have to show him my ticket, i guess.

My ears are ringing and my head is pounding, and i'm sure i won't be able to talk tomorrow and i reek of disgusting beer, but so totally worth it, so worth it. I'm fucking ashamed i didn't see Disturbed in concert when it was here, i'm so pissed with myself for letting that anxiety kick in. BTW, MOTHERFUCKING NO ANXIETY. There was a small bit while driving there, but GODDAMN did i supress it.

Dude, i'm a lesbian, something should be done about it. Its been years since i've been one, too. I'm not an angry lesbian, but a fat ugly one, ah well. Maybe i can lose the fatness. HMMM.

I'm going to invent a sun visor for a car that follows the fixed beams of the sun, so you don't have to fucking mess with the visor while driving, leading to less accidents from the distraction. The visor will be see through, so the sun can be directly in your vision, but you can still see and drive.


WOULDN'T THAT BE AWESOME?

Just recently saw a commercial about the Lap Band weight loss surgery, the woman was like "I'M ALWAYS HUNGRY ITS LIKE A LION" and a lion is walking around her kitchen. Sad part, i totally related.

I'm constantly hungry, and it sucks, because i don't need the motherfucking calories, but its hard to tell your growling stomach that you aren't hungry. Even rationalizing to your stomach, saying "I ate the biggest hero sandwich just 30 MINUTES AGO", but your stomach is still like "I'M SO HUNGRY I'M STARVING I WANT A PIZZA" and then you are like "hmm....pizza DOES sound good." and you just stuff your face.

Date:	2006-10-23 02:37
Subject:	Life is good
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

My life is good right now, so i worry about next semester. I want to take three classes, but i think i'll have to stay with two. Probably start Government and another Psychology class so by next fall i'll be in the Psi Chi club. I'm doing well with English, my essays could be better, but its not lowering my grade too much. Actually, i need to spend more time on Human Bahaviour, since its imperative that i maintain a 3.0.

GAGING EARINGS IS FUCKING HARD, MOTHERFUCKERS. ONCE THESE DAMN 14G GOES THROUGH MY EARS, I'LL BE A STRAIGHT UP COLD KILLA GANGSTA. WORD.

Date:	2006-08-28 17:45
Subject:	First Day, Depression and my goddamn ovaries
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	The Black Crowes - Lickin'

First day of classes went well, i then spent money to buy candy and a new scrub top, i'm listening to good music and its raining and i don't have to go to work. Life is seemingly good, yet i feel absurdly depressed for no fucking reason at all. I'm doing everything I can to make myself happy, yet i feel like sobbing. There is no reason for this at all, i should be happy, and there is a place where i am happy, somewhere deep in my logical brain, but the stereotypical depressed female part of my brain/ovaries is taking hold. Maybe this is just a hormonal signal from my ovaries that they ARE somewhat alive and still holding my emotions hostage, despite the fact they haven't worked physically for almost two years.

There's a lot of hot females in my Human behavior class, and that is good. I have my first quiz wednesday, even though we didn't go over any material in class, but that's okay, it will be interesting reading.

Date:	2006-08-25 16:50
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	Queens of the Stone Age - First It Giveth

Aug 23, 2006 8:28 pm

5 days until school starts, yesssss. I finally changed the oil in the car. I have to find myself a primary care physician by the end of the month, and i have no idea who to pick, there are three that i'm going to call tomorrow to see if they are taking new patients.

Monday night i was up all night with insomnia, and i wrote down a big rant about everything, and looking at it now seems like a bunch of crap whining. Here is part of that rant:

Most people i come across want to dedicate their whole life and happiness to a mate, and don't really live for themselves. Somehow they believe that their life will only be complete and meaningful if they find their supposed life mate. Maybe that is my loner at heart persona, but I think that is a crappy way to live. Its like saying the only thing life is good for is to find someone reasonably nice, fuck each other's brains out and dedicate themselves to each other like slaves. I can only see a very volitile relationship, and if there is any difference in feeling, emotional abuse. No way will i give myself completely to someone, not matter how much i love her. I won't have my life revolve around that love. I'm not saying that love is a bad thing, but it should ACCOMPANY life, not ENVELOP it. I can see a strong relationship where the focus isn't about living for each other and dedication, but just living both of your lives together. Anyone get what i'm getting at? Love isn't what life is about, life is about making something out of yourself, and living only for yourself and your happiness. That doesn't mean NO love, but have your priorities sorted so that your wellbeing is the first thing on your mind. Being in love is part of that wellbeing, but if you are in love and are not happy, and your love is what is making you UNhappy, you should drop that love for your happiness.

(This is where i start to digress wildly -- It was 3 in the AM and i was listening to Marilyn Manson)

From Coma White:
Quote:
...But all the drugs in this world, won't save her from herself...


The Number One thing that a person has to do to get better is to allow themselves to get better. Nothing will work if the person doesn't want to heal. If you hold on to the thing that makes you unhappy, you will never BE happy. You will never have a good life until you let yourself have a good life. Letting go of what is your problem is easier than trying to fix it or crying about it forever. And to to blame what is wrong with you on one thing and to not do something about it never helps. No one can or will help you until you help yourself.
_________________________________________________


Fri Aug 25, 2006 4:25 pm

New student Orientation was fun, last night i was up until 2, even though i went to bed at 9, i couldn't sleep, not matter how much music i was listening to (Even the boring stuff!) my mind just kept wandering. But i got up eventually, and didn't have too much problems finding the places we were supposed to go, and i was the first one there. The photo on my student ID looks horrible, because i was grinning all lopsided and looked like i gained 50 pounds just in my face. But that is okay, because i have better looking photos. I didn't get get Developmental Psychology, because i had to take Human Behavior before i can take that class. But, i got British Literature, and they are in the same building, so that makes things a bunch easier. Downside, what would have been two classes two days a week, i have two classes four days a week, one class a day.

Date:	2006-08-17 21:52
Subject:	2 classes
Security:	Public
Mood:	dorky
Music:	Cardinal Trait: All for You

I'm spending entirely too much money. Here's what i bought so far since i started my job:

CDS:

Porcupine Tree - In Absentia
Porcupine Tree - Deadwing
A Perfect Circle - Mer de Noms
Queens of the StoneAge: Songs for the Deaf
Queens of the StoneAge: Rated R
Campfire Girls: Tell them Hi
Sloth: Dead Generation
Screaming Trees - Oceans of Confusion

Clothes:
About 5 pairs of scrubs. Which is probably all that i will wear from now on. Damn they are comfy.

And food, and gas.

I'm only going to take two classes: Developmental Psychology and Human Behavior. Talking to a counselor has proven to me that only two classes and a part time job is the most zen of combinations, any different or more would throw me out of whack and start my whole process of anxiety and giving up again. Soooo, i'm getting enough money for books, and i do have JUST enough if maybe there are some wierdo additions to tuition, probably parking stickers, etc.

There isn't much to say. I go to work, i sleep, and i look at webcomics, and go to work again. Hopefully my days will be a little more interesting as soon as i start school, in three weeks or so. I only have enough grant money to take 2 classes, and i doubt i'll be able to save enough for a third class by the 25th. My saving-money is my car fund, as i'll need a car to be able to move out of the house. I'll probably be taking Human Behavior and Developmental Psychology for right now.

My hair is looking shnazzy right now, but i hate it because its too long. Its the right type of look for me, the short butchdyke style i like makes me look a lot fatter and grotesque, and long hair makes me look diminutive and plain jane.

The job is Excellent. I work hard, I don't have to think too much(Zombie stage, woo!), there isn't any drama (All that is fortunately in the morning shift), its pretty easy, and i go home tired. I just love it. I will be pretty achey, especially my back and my feet, but that will soon be worked up enough that i'm used to the bending over and everything.

I'll update. I got the job at the state hospital, and so far its fantabulous. i'm a little worn out by the 8-hour days, but that's all training, so it will bring in some good monies. Tuesday i'll leave training to actually do my job, i think.

So the second the thought of money crosses my mind, my shower is leaking, my computer chair broke, my grandmom wants an exact estimate of what i'll be making, and i start to run out of ordinary things like shower soap, etc.

Yay for employment! State employment, bitches. Booya. Boom.


Yay for Mystery Science Theatre pulling me out of doldrums. I swear, i bet i will live five years longer if i watch MST3K every weekend.

I got about 7 books from the library, only read one, oh well. I bet the library thinks i buy the books to i can look intellectual. Haha. I won't deny feeling smart when i start reading books on cognition. Well, the 'special' kind of smart anyway.


I wore out the X button on my PS2 controller. Waaah. And my car needs an oil change. expenses, expenses.

Um.... I don't know if i said it on here, but i'm going to Midwestern this fall! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Financial aid may only be enough for two classes, and then i have to save for books. :(

Buuuuuuuuut, i got a job. Pretty nifty.

I had the worse two days in such a long time. It wouldn't have been so bad if i knew there are better days, but i don't have better days anymore. Even highschool had better days. But now i'm so wrought with dissapointment and sadness that its hard to think of anything good anymore. No one fucking cares for my wellbeing anymore. I just want to drift off, and start over. Everything is just a fucking failure for me, i hate my life. The only thing i have to live for is the future, school, and music. The future is bleak, i'm not in school, and i'm mediocre at music, and music can only do so much. Nothing will ever go right, and it would be better if the world would just collapse into darkness.